Athletics can be an addictive behavior. The addiction is as powerful as drinking alcohol, working, shopping, eating, and other similar actions that can be overdone with negative consequences. Similar to all of these behaviors is the desire to tune out and escape the reality of life for a while. Though many of us wouldn’t put athletics in the same category as the other practices listed above, we need to realize that the motivation behind the winning performance may have a dark side.
The Unceasing Drive to Compete
Despite being a long-distance endurance athlete myself, I have never understood the drive to be a top Ironman (IM) competitor. For reference, a full IM is a triathlon that includes the following events in this order: first, a 2.4-mile swim; then, a 112-mile bike; and finally, a marathon (26.2-mile run). It is a grueling event with the average finishing time of 13-15 hours. Admittedly, I have done a few solo 24-hour mountain bike races, but it is not only the competition time that needs to be considered. Rather, we need to think about the larger time and energy commitment to the IM training–in three different sports! A competitor makes many sacrifices just to reach the starting line of an IM. So, the question is, why do it? Why did I do 24-hour races? Why are people drawn to IM competitions? Why do we seek out the most challenging pursuits we can find and push ourselves so hard? I can tell you it is not that enjoyable, yet I did it.
Ironman World Championships, Addiction, and Adult Children
It was in October 2023, while surrounded by IM athletes (including my IM sister) for the women’s World Championships in Kona, HI, when I found my answer. As I walked around the race village, I thought about all the competitors, wondering why they were there, and asked myself, what was pushing them to endure such a tough event? I figured it had to be something very important if they were willing to suffer that much.
After this trip I did some self-exploration into my family upbringing following my father’s passing earlier that year. During this time, I was introduced to the Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families (ACA) program by a friend. I was captivated with the content. What I found most interesting was that regardless if alcohol abuse was present in the home or not, many family environments are dysfunctional and leave similar wounds on the children. (Blog: Sabbatical Lesson: Know Thyself.) These wounded children are referred to as Adult Children, which ACA defines as follows: “The term ‘adult child’ means that we respond to adult interactions with the fear and self-doubt learned as children” (ACA, 2006, p. 3).
Essentially, an Adult Child is the product of a household where addiction exists in some form, which often results in childhood neglect, abuse, and trauma. Note that these experiences can come in many forms and may be very subtle. To cope with potentially unpredictable people and surroundings, Adult Children develop behaviors that keep them safe and attached to caregivers. Unfortunately, these personality traits that were learned out of necessity in childhood often cause problems in adulthood.
One such problem is that many adult children either grow up to be addicts themselves or become partners with an addict. And this is where athletics comes into the picture. Not only can sports be used as a distraction that we can become addicted to, but athletic achievement can also provide the respect, admiration, praise, attention, recognition, and visibility that we did not receive as a child. Thus, an Adult Child can use athletics to fill up not only their time, but also themselves.
Through my reflections, I came to realize that I am an Adult Child and had been addicted to athletics and the adulation that accompanies doing well. In Kona, I began to see that a large percentage of these IM athletes were, too. And the answer to my “why?” question was becoming clear.
You are Enough
In addition to avoiding life with extreme training and racing, athletics gave me and these IM women a lot of rewards. One reward was a feeling of self-worth. Also, we felt reduced fear and anxiety because of the exhaustion that was brought about by repeated hard physical exertion. And finishing the World Championships, which requires qualification and could take years to secure, was the pinnacle achievement for raising one’s sense of value. This was evident at the finish line.
As I sat in the dark and waited for my sister’s arrival, I observed that when each athlete crossed the line, the announcer would call their name, followed by, “You are an Ironman.” Interestingly, on the chute leading to the finish, competitors would sometimes space themselves out so that they each had their own personal moment crossing the line. My suspicion is that they wanted to make sure the announcer acknowledged them when they finished. What I began to grasp was that the phrase “You are an Ironman” was interpreted by the competitor as “You are Enough!” This was the “why” I had been searching to understand. It seems that the drive behind finishing an IM (or any personally challenging athletic endeavor), at least for some, is to receive self-validation.
Characteristics of Adult Child Athletes
The ACA program outlines the behaviors and personality characteristics common to Adult Children in a Laundry List. Likewise, Adult Child Athletes, as I have termed them, have similar personalities. Consequently, with the ACA teachings fresh in my mind while in the competitive environment of the IM World Championships, it was not surprising that one morning in Kona, I was inspired to write the list below.
- We want to train perfectly and follow an externally developed plan because we don’t trust ourselves to do enough or to do too much.
- We are insecure and base our self-worth and identity on athletic achievements and race results so we can be seen and praised.
- We do activities we don’t enjoy and that may be detrimental to our health (such as training through injuries) in search of connection, acceptance, and recognition.
- We push through physical pain because we are afraid of what it means about us if we must stop.
- We distract ourselves with perpetual movement because we are uncomfortable being still and want to avoid difficult emotions and feelings.
- We are addicted to setting and reaching challenging athletic goals and are unsettled without a “next event” on the calendar.
- We fear disappointment and become approval seekers, only feeling good when we do well and receive praise from others.
- We rigidly control our daily schedule because routine makes us feel safe.
- We disregard injuries out of fear of losing fitness, weight gain, disapproval, criticism, and being alone.
- We lack self-acceptance, have a distorted perception of our bodies, and feel guilty when we take a rest day.
- We confuse having a bad training day with being a bad and unworthy person, relentlessly judging ourselves for not working hard enough without compassion.
- We are stuck in the sympathetic nervous system (stress response) and need to “smash” ourselves through physical exertion to reduce anxiety, which makes us feel like we can relate well with others.
- We are soothed and feel “normal” within a community of like-minded people with a shared ambition.
- We often put the needs and wants of others before our own (people pleasing) and participate in athletics because it is an activity that is just for us and justifies taking time for ourselves.
- We use athletic endeavors to connect with feeling, thinking that if we are suffering, we are both worthy and connected to ourselves.
In ACA this list has been adapted into a paragraph format known as The Problem. Fortunately, every problem has a Solution. Likewise, I have drafted a Solution, which follows.
The Solution
The solution is to feel valued and enough as you are, irrespective of your athletic performance. As you develop this inner strength, your self-worth will no longer be tied to how hard you train or if you stand on the podium at the end of the race. With this personal confidence, your own sense of accomplishment and satisfaction will be sufficient without the need for outside congratulations and awards.
You will have autonomy over your training, which allows for flexibility and spontaneity. You will work out hard and gain fitness while not being indebted to an unyielding plan. Rather, you will listen to and respect your body and your needs above adhering to a schedule only to please others, maintain your athletic identity, or avoid criticism or comparison by others. Missing a workout will not invoke guilt, worry, or fear because you are secure in yourself and know that these negative mental states are unhelpful. Although you may feel disappointed about lost training time, this emotion is fleeting and is superseded by compassion. When asked to join a group activity, you are comfortable saying “no” to opportunities that do not meet your desires without anxiety about being left out in the future.
You will have the capacity to endure injuries without becoming consumed with worry and depression since you are certain in your ability to make good choices for your recovery. This is due to your positive self-concept that is not solely dependent on proving yourself as an athlete, which might push you to continue training despite signals to stop. Time off training does not scare you because you have developed the capacity to slow down, be still, and rest. You no longer need to “smash” yourself so that you feel something and can instead connect with yourself through other emotions beyond suffering and pain.
Ultimately, you will engage in your chosen sport for the pure love and enjoyment it provides. You will freely participate for yourself without fear of judgement. Sport will no longer be a necessary means to gain approval, praise, and recognition because you will be giving that to yourself unconditionally.
Summary
Doing well in athletics increases our feeling of self-worth. It is this drive to be enough, be seen, and be admired by others that keeps us exercising through pain and injury. This emotional need to feel good about ourselves in front of others often supersedes our rational thoughts on how to care for our bodies. Until we develop a sense of genuine value and respect for ourselves from within, we will strive for external validation through athletic achievement.
Adult Children of Alcoholics© / Dysfunctional Families (2006). ACA Fellowship Text: The Big Red Book. Twenty-Third Printing.
